Romanticizing heartbreak

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Guilty.

I did it.

I once mourned long and hard for a relationship lost. I thought I had lost my very best friend, I just could not wrap my head around it and then I hated my ‘best friend’, and after all that I decided to hate the whole world. Nothing felt right and everything was out of place , I no longer knew myself and somehow i fell in love with the idea of a lost love and oh boy, what bull shit.

We all move on. There’s nothing remotely romantic about thinking about our doomed friendships or how we went through some ridiculous stabs in the back. PUHLEEZ. Here’s a box of chocolates and a treadmill.

Why would any one in their right minds go on and on and on and ON about how sad they felt at the loss of their friends? If you’re talking about it for more than 4 months without healing, then yeah, I think you’re out of your damn mind. I can tell you that because i was there.

Lost someone who meant the world to me and surprise, it took me forever to get out of my misery because i kept narrating everything to myself, I was in some sort of grieving mode for a whole year. Yeah, from like Dec ’14 to Dec ’15- i was in some sort of pain inflicted by myself to myself.

If you ever find yourself in that sort of grief, seek HELP from people who MEAN well. NOT people that will remind you of how things COULD have been. What is the point? It’s gone, it’s over and TADA, SOMEONE comes along who just fixes every piece of you. It was bound to happen, if your friend really adored you, they wouldn’t have left.

I might have lost a friend- but after meeting my husband, I honestly have to say that it was like…wow. I did not have the capacity to understand that you can fall in love with a stranger and he might be the exact opposite of what everyone had in mind…but…he works for your love, he knows your place…and it’s the sweetest feeling in the world.

If you’re going to romanticize something, romanticize the idea of love- real love. Love isn’t just a destination, it’s a whole journey that you embark on. You don’t just find yourself, you find your soul mate.

I’m not saying the journey is easy…it’s a challenge. You will experience change like never before. You will never really be the same because your change will impact those around you.

I wish you all well; when you feel happiness, you can only radiate it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

SMILE and OOWWW!

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I am most definitely going through the worst toothache EVER. I think something is infected because there is definitely pain and its spreading and it feels warm and i think my gum is about to explode. OWW is an understatement. I’ve taken a pain killer and am headed to the dentist ASAP. I wonder if whatever infection is in whatever part of my mouth will spread…hopefully not 😦

So remember I told you guys I wanted to discover local brands? I messaged them and received the following replies 🙂

Screen Shot 2016-02-28 at 12.33.19 AMScreen Shot 2016-02-28 at 12.33.44 AMScreen Shot 2016-02-28 at 12.34.35 AM

So as you can see, the only brand that managed to give me a proper reply and pique my curiosity was Luscious. I’m giving MM cosmetics points for replying . OF COURSE i didn’t expect either Redah or MM to reply, but a good representative would’ve been sufficient.

Todays Adventure with W: So he comes over and, you guessed it, formality prevailed! And i’m talking, me not being there; me going to the roof to walk to wait till he leaves…Yeab, that’s too Sharmeeli- even for me. But i did it…for the most part until he walked back to the living room – he left to my dads mancave aka home office- only to see me and jump back out of the room. weeeeh me. A .5 second encounter with the man I am about to marry. The man who probably is getting as curious as I am to really know the person I have to share a bathroom with in 28 days. Freaking seriously?What if we don’t like the same brands of SHAMPOOS!EVER THOUGHT OF THAT!?!

We’ve managed to have a few serious conversations. Things that make me believe that there is hope…that things will be fine in sha Allah. I secretly (well, now it isn’t a secret) worry- just like anyone else about to tie the knot i guess. Perhaps it isn’t worry, it’s a whole bunch of emotions that just leave me…they render me semi confused to be honest. I enjoy these moments of silence, typing out what I feel…its gets it out of my system. I think every bride out there needs a way to get these feelings out- even if it’s utter joy. You need a place or a way to say or show it. And it’s gotta be your own way. Theres no right or wrong way to do it,say it, feel it…it just happens. I guess this is my way- I mean IT is.

One piece of advice people…stop butting noses in people’s business…Day before I heard of someone who stalked me on FB to find out what i looked like. W’s friends wife. She then sent W a picture of my Display Picture- W, by the way, is NOT on FB- and it was me on the couch at our ‘haan’ with an OMG on him, hiding his face. I am not hiding his face for any reason other than the fact that I want everyone to see him at the wedding, at the appropriate time. WHY does one have to do things the way other people want them to? This ‘well meaning friend’  can cause a lot of problems if she continues doing what she’s doing, feeding MY HUSBAND to be with ‘info’ . I’m lucky that W is smart enough to ask me, but I was absolutely grossed out by that dumb action. Realize that even small bits of unnecessary info can cause misunderstandings.

Over and Out.

How the world turns.

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I wasn’t intending to come back so soon. I needed time, space, air and change. Change happened and forced me into accepting time. Time coaxed me into opening my damaged doors to begin the repairs of my sanctuary- my body and mind.

There is freedom of speech MoFo, which you think applies to you and not to me. Seriously. I won’t bother replying to your pathetic excuse of a message. Maligning, blaming and playing the victim. But this is MY space, and I do what I want here.

The truth is, everyone heals differently; insecurities were piled high by you and you didn’t mind threatening me, abusing me, defaming me, and holding me accountable for things I did not do. It had been about 7 months since I last bothered crying;  I have made peace with myself – apologized to God, found new people to talk to. But…I did keep looking behind…i filed the bad and kept the more beautiful moments alive and sacred and all to myself. All to have it flung on my face. You have a knack for abuse. I didn’t change address or delete anything to save you or myself or because i was afraid of ‘consequences’ of a moronic little squirrel. No…the line was, ‘ if you …had any true feelings for me..’ followed by judgements of being insecure and pathetic … Oh sweetheart (i say that with sarcasm) …THE TRUTH HURTS doesn’t it? Your message hurt me for a total of two days. Just two. If I ruined your life, it was because it was the truth, regardless of who abused whose mother or whatever… YOU abused me for three years-  emotional abuse. Need a definition? Here :

  1. Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mentalabuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.

So what did you do? Let me make a LIST:

Emotional Abuse

Definition:

Emotional Abuse – Any pattern of behavior directed at one individual by another which promotes in them a destructive sense of Fear, Obligation or Guilt (FOG).

The Bruise that Doesn’t Show

Many people who are victims of abuse live in homes or environments where they have become so accustomed to the situation they consider it normal. They do not recognize it even IS abuse sometimes, because there is no physical injury; instead an ongoing emotional barrage takes place which can be just as damaging.

Examples of Emotional Abuse

Alienation – The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual’s relationships with others. [Your advice was generally to avoid people YOU didn’t like]

Baiting – A provocative act used to solicit an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another individual. [This was normal for you so you could get a laugh]

Belittling, Condescending and Patronizing – This kind of speech is a passive-aggressive approach to giving someone a verbal put-down while maintaining a facade of reasonableness or friendliness. [ This was generally called ‘Advice’]

Blaming – The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem. [I was always too stubborn, it was never going to work…]

Bullying – Any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.

 

Cheating – Sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else. [ You weren’t?? could have fooled me and the rest of the world]

Emotional Blackmail – A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors. [I am reminded of your use of ‘it’s never going to work if you don’t change]

False Accusations – Patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towards someone else.

FOG – Fear, Obligation & Guilt – The acronym FOG, for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, was first coined by Susan Forward & Donna Frazier in Emotional Blackmail and describes feelings that a person often has when in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder. Our website, Out of the FOG, is named after this acronym.

Gaslighting – The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term “Gaslighting” is based on the 1944 MGM movie “Gaslight”. [Watch the movie…this is SO YOU].

Hoovers & Hoovering – A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.

Imposed Isolation – When abuse results in a person becoming isolated from their support network, including friends and family. [YES!]

Intimidation – Any form of veiled, hidden, indirect or non-verbal threat.

Invalidation – The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless. [Yes because you have such a ‘ high’ opinion of women’

Name-Calling – Use of profane, derogatory or dehumanizing terminology to describe another individual or group. [Not about me, but plenty about people we knew]

Proxy Recruitment – A way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating other people into unwittingly backing “doing the dirty work”

Push-Pull – A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason. [ You were never sure but you wanted to marry me…what??]

Ranking and Comparing – Drawing unnecessary and inappropriate comparisons between individuals or groups. [ALWAYS. ALWAYS . ALWAYS.]

Shaming – The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that youdid something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad. [Apparently, i had to be fixed]

Silent Treatment – A passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence.

Splitting – The practice of regarding people and situations as either completely “good” or completely “bad”.

Targeted Humor, Mocking and Sarcasm – Any sustained pattern of joking, sarcasm or mockery which is designed to reduce another individual’s reputation in their own eyes or in the eyes of others. [Your jokes weren’t funny]

Testing – Repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to a relationship. [Something you admitted to yourself]

So really…the one that needs to pray to God is you.