I have all these thoughts in my head, whizzing in and out, left and right- they’re creating some kind of magical, kaleidoscope in my brain! And yet, with all these thoughts, I have not been able to bring myself to blog in the last little while. It’s true that I have been busy, but I should have managed some time to myself. My blog is ‘me time’. I certainly wish I could make this a full time career, and maybe some day I WILL, you never know. Right now, however, after the wedding, after the honeymoon ended, I faced a new reality. I was busy discovering life as a married woman, and I continue to discover what that really means anyways. I suppose everyone does- men and women recently married are finding out what their partner is like.
I don’t know about anyone else’s beginning or journey to married life, but my own has been…well, i think mine has … been my own [READ: OBVIOUSLY right here] and it’s been different. I don’t know many people who leave their husbands to go on vacation 2 and a half months after the wedding ! I went back for a visit and now I find myself back at my parents house, on a whole different continent. And before you worry, everything is fine. I think we shocked ourselves at how ‘weird’ this turned out, but it’s been good too- and that is … shocking, in a good way.
Everyone has their own dream of what married life will be like after the wedding and mine wasn’t exactly what I thought for myself but I am not complaining because Life just panned out the way it was supposed to. How odd is that man!?!?!!??!!? Things work out without you thinking they could work out. Your relationship grows in ways you didn’t think it would. Your life changes in ways you didn’t know it would. All of a sudden, you’re not alone and you’re learning to compromise in ways you had no idea you could even compromise in! You do things differently before you become your own person in your marriage…That might be difficult to understand, but i have no better way of explaining it!
Marriage is a funny thing. Who ever tells you that you will not argue while married has found the secret to living! My first argument was 4 months after getting married and that set the tone for how we dealt with all future arguments. So what was it about? Finances? Friends? in laws ? It was none of these. Our first argument was on communication. And we dealt with it pretty well Alhamdulilah. I know we have two very different backgrounds, but we looked beyond that difference.
What I learnt from that first argument was that listening was super important. I’m also not the only one with feelings! I have a new partner and he has ways of expressing himself differently. Different shouldn’t be intimidating, it’s something you should embrace. If you think that life stays the same for you, and you think you can mold your partner according to your desires…it isn’t happening. A marriage is just this two way street. If she’s angry stay calm; if he’s sad, work to cheer him up- those efforts you make for each other pay off. Everyone likes to see the efforts being made by their partner- even when you might have a tough time embracing the differences!
As it so happens, my husband is cool with bollywood…me…not at all. But i sat thru ‘Sultan’, ‘Ki and Ka’, ‘Fan’ and i can’t even remember the other he took me to see because frankly, i fell asleep. Instead of nagging about the fact that we saw an Indian movie, i tried focusing on the fact that my husband was taking me out, was spending date time with me, and that while he might like bollywood and i might hate it, i get caramel popcorn and that’s pretty good ! He noticed that I hated it and of course asked me to pick movies to watch the next time we went to the theatre. Thankfully, my husband DOES like English movies as well…He just wanted to try and show me something different. I have had enough bollywood to last me a while, so thanks but no thanks 🙂
To completely change the topic, the weirdest thing… Why would anyone want to keep in touch with someone who has exited their life? It is odd but i’ve been getting these texts to help someone who is in no shape or form related to me, and we just…i mean, i know this uncle, but…argh, ok, an ex-rishta’s dad is contacting me to look for a rishta for his kids, not including the one who was a proposal for me. I mean, I am confused as what to do. I understand that finding a spouse is HARD and that people need all the help they can get, but when you have successfully engaged your younger son on your own, what do you need me for? So yeah, that is WEIRD. Everyone is on the ‘ignore bandwagon’ and everyone is right, but i did pass two #s of parents looking for their kids as well because lets be real, this is a real situation.
And that brings me in to the topic of actually getting married. Look- it is HARD and let me say that people need to support each other and help each other find matches. I am not asking you to go date or do something behind your parents back (because if you haven’t learnt by now, that is just a waste of time for the kids in the Muslim community; if you’re gonna do something, do it in front of your parents- for that you might as well TALK to them!). My whole point is that if you have married friends with single friends, they should either present you with someone or feel free to ask, do not feel like you are being desperate or anything because this is NATURAL, we all have to try our best, and i think not giving up is important. It is not easy people!
This issue is actually so important- particularly in the Muslim community that i feel that women need to get together to help their children. Because there are a lot of ppl who still go the arranged marriage way and no, it is NOT always awful. I have some families looking for their sons and daughters and I am trying to pair them up.
I’ve discussed this in a previous blog page (oh, its private) but anyways, the thing with women helping families find a match is that sometimes they charge and they charge TOO much. This is unfair. This should be a free service (and i am ready to help). The truth is that I will be unable to help a lot of people because volunteering takes up time- I have to allocate time to helping certain people first. HAVING SAID THAT, I have to be totally HONEST, that families come with demands. I cant cater to these demands because some of them are totally unrealistic. You can’t describe your dream girl for your son and expect me to find that ‘fair faced, hazel eyed, slim, tall, 23 year old MBA grad or doctor’ . I can’t. Be reasonable and stop putting damn age restrictions and location restrictions because let me tell you people, ALLAH changes the situation of people LIKE-THAT *snaps fingers*. I’ve seen quite a bit, and experienced something new in my own marriage. I wanted to get married here but Allah had my husband for me over there! And it was an arranged marriage. I can’t guarantee anything for you because ultimately ALLAH decides for you and you can’t leave things to just me. My role is only to connect people, that’s it. Do what you want, but please, no restrictions or complaints and whines about things like…pictures! Some families don’t want pictures…why not ask the people to send you one directly? One does something good for you, don’t come back and just put the people to work for you, this is something someone does as a volunteer; no one is your personal slave here- people who do this service are doing it for Allah but they have LIVES too…just reminding!
And after ALL THAT….I AM GOING TO BED! SHABAKHAIR