It’s no secret that I have become a monster at home. I have never cried, freaked out, screamed, yelled and slammed the door as much as I have now. This is nothing to be proud of, but i didn’t realize what was happening to me. And then during one of those random, ‘OMG, MY WEDDING IS RUINED’ cry-fests, I saw myself in a mirror and thought, ‘WHO THE HELL IS THAT?’

I am completely overwhelmed by a sense of helplessness and fear of the unknown. I’ve never planned a wedding! Who, what, how. And every single offer I make is rejected. It’s like a tug of war wedding happening at home.  Everyone wants this wedding to go well- but the stress accompanying it is INSANE.

I feel alone most days- having an almost nonexistent extended paternal family is fun 🙂 My cousins haven’t even congratulated me, I can’t imagine what they are planning for my wedding *rolls eyes* . The fact that people have their family involved is invoking feelings of jealousy in my heart. Alhamdulilah I have my parents.

Seriously…they’re the only people who I know who will ever tolerate so much bullshit, and even though I only have tantrums to show for it, I am and will be eternally grateful. No one will love you like your mom or your dad, that is for sure.

Weddings were created for people to take advantage of amazingly stressed individuals so that they would dole out massive amounts of money without thinking. The business of weddings is psychological torture by black mail. And it isn’t the vendors blackmailing you-  a lot of times its family whispering , ‘logh kya kehien gay’ ! LIKE, THESE PEOPLE SHOULD BE PAID BY THE VENDORS for aiding them!!!! What a crappy situation to be in. I can tell you that I am not enjoying this process AT ALL. At least not yet. I think when I have the major things done, I will be ok.

So far, I have my barat dress and that is it. I have a vague idea of what my mendhi dress should look like. My Walima dress is a complete surprise. OMG. I haven’t even started dieting yet. I feel like an adorable fat calf. I’m ok Alhamdulilah. I could be better and that change has to happen soon so my fiance is motivated to work it.

BACK TO THE BRIDEZILLA topic. SO, I JUST realized (like 28 hours ago) that whatever is meant to happen, will happen and that I can’t control anything really. Sooo. I still owe my parents a massive apology. I really screwed up in that department if I am completely honest because I kept freaking out about everything from colors to fabrics to photographers to everything in between. NOW,seriously, HOW MUCH DO THESE THINGS REALLY MATTER ? About {} that much. Not much. I kept telling myself I aught to focus on the more important things – learning about this total stranger I am now suddenly engaged to and how we are going to live life. I do think about it every day- I wake up at exactly 4 49 am everyday and I start to think…’how am I going to live with someone else!?”

It’s weird that this stranger, my soon to be husband, is someone who keeps me calm. Yesterday he caught me crying and hung up completely freaked out. I think he went to go compose himself and then he called back…’Are you…ok? ‘  by the time he called back, i was way calmer and he listened to me express my mortification at discovering that something had happened to a fabric i needed. ‘Jaan nikal di Maida, kuch nahi hota, saab theek ho jaiega,’  and that was actually comforting. It was followed several jokes until my father called him and he was like, ‘OMG, your dads calling me, hang up, bye!’

My dad has a tendency to call the moment we’re on the phone. And the weirdest thing is that these phone calls are ALWAYS coincidental. It’s impossible that he knows I am calling while i am in the market…how does he do it! Both of them work in the same field, so i understand the calls. It’s kinda nice that they get along…ummm, i mean, my dad did sorta set this match up so i guess that was a given 😛 I mean, at least these two have things to talk about so…it’s good!

I visited my in laws yesterday- I discovered where I am going to live! He’s having the portion upstairs renovated. I never had a problem living with in laws so this works out perfectly for me.


Writing this post has actually taken two days. In the last day, I’ve been so busy finalizing my items for the walima, that i have yet to focus on my Barat items. My wedding is stressful but alright. It feels interesting. My fiancees accident shook me up a bit, but I am grateful he’s ok. He’s a good guy- despite being in an accident, he tried to cheer me up….who does that!?!?

I guess it helps ease things between us…I wonder when the formality will drop, but then again, as he says, the perk of this arrangement is that we now are more curious to find out how the other one is. I get the feeling that he’s beginning to like me…and I’m wondering when I’ll feel it. I don’t dislike him, i just feel very normal…as if i’m making a new friend. I’m semi afraid  of getting hurt. I never want to feel disappointed again. Nor do I want to feel let down. I guess that’s why my guard is always up. Anyway, i will continue to pray that all goes well in sha Allah!