Discard and abandon

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‘I did it, I did it!’ I yelled as I bounded down the stairs.

To my surprise, no one was home. I went back to my room and got back into bed. I contemplated a short nap versus getting up and doing some cardio. Before my mind could decide, my body took control- it relaxed and sank deeper into the bed.

My mind was beginning to catch up; my eyes must have been rolling back into my head when the doorbell rang. I ignored the incessant belling and knocking and stayed quiet. Besides, you’re not supposed to open the door to strangers.

The most ridiculous thought crossed my mind…where were you?

I’ve been counting; reading, rereading, hoping,praying, and I finally began to discard and abandon thoughts…it was incredibly difficult because before you can really do that, you have to forgive. Funnily enough, I’ve discovered I’m not good at forgiveness. I have, however, forgiven myself because I have really worked hard to earn it from myself. I owe explanations to no one but myself. I never needed any ‘fixing’ by force, I never needed to feel ‘less than’ anyone.

I have kept the more beautiful moments filed away. Just because I can finally laugh and smile without tearing up. It was NOT easy getting here. I sleep with a small bear you gave me 2 years ago, I still wear that Allah pendant you gave me, and on rare days, I say your name three to four times a day to recognize your existence. To be honest, I am just a ridiculously hopeless romantic. Just not a stupid one. And maybe I am still angry and I won’t forgive you…I’ll just let my brain discard the pieces slowly, sweetly, painlessly… Time heals all wounds, but you can’t ever control the depth of a wound someone inflicts upon you. And while some may argue that it is untrue, remember our experiences are subjective. Some of us are not cold. Some of us do not withhold ourselves when it comes to giving it our all.

I did it, I did it.

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