Discard and abandon

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‘I did it, I did it!’ I yelled as I bounded down the stairs.

To my surprise, no one was home. I went back to my room and got back into bed. I contemplated a short nap versus getting up and doing some cardio. Before my mind could decide, my body took control- it relaxed and sank deeper into the bed.

My mind was beginning to catch up; my eyes must have been rolling back into my head when the doorbell rang. I ignored the incessant belling and knocking and stayed quiet. Besides, you’re not supposed to open the door to strangers.

The most ridiculous thought crossed my mind…where were you?

I’ve been counting; reading, rereading, hoping,praying, and I finally began to discard and abandon thoughts…it was incredibly difficult because before you can really do that, you have to forgive. Funnily enough, I’ve discovered I’m not good at forgiveness. I have, however, forgiven myself because I have really worked hard to earn it from myself. I owe explanations to no one but myself. I never needed any ‘fixing’ by force, I never needed to feel ‘less than’ anyone.

I have kept the more beautiful moments filed away. Just because I can finally laugh and smile without tearing up. It was NOT easy getting here. I sleep with a small bear you gave me 2 years ago, I still wear that Allah pendant you gave me, and on rare days, I say your name three to four times a day to recognize your existence. To be honest, I am just a ridiculously hopeless romantic. Just not a stupid one. And maybe I am still angry and I won’t forgive you…I’ll just let my brain discard the pieces slowly, sweetly, painlessly… Time heals all wounds, but you can’t ever control the depth of a wound someone inflicts upon you. And while some may argue that it is untrue, remember our experiences are subjective. Some of us are not cold. Some of us do not withhold ourselves when it comes to giving it our all.

I did it, I did it.

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Silence and Time

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I’d been told to write, to let it out.

I had nothing to say; I had made my peace. I protested with Silence. And then Silence began to haunt me.

‘You don’t even like me,’ she whispered. ‘ Am I the only one who hugs you at night? I know I am, I don’t see or hear anyone else!’

I used to believe Silence and i were friends; I used to count on her to bring Peace and Tranquility to our get togethers. Generally Tranquility would rub my shoulders and massage my back, while Peace would soothe me with guided meditation.

She had changed; her new company influenced her. She no longer looked the same. Her radiant glow has been replaced by a dark shadow.

Fear, Anger and Disappointment trail Silence like dogs. They were frequently accompanied by that bitch, Sarcastica. I am almost always bullied. My Memory tried to ignore their taunting, but it is Silence who screamed at me with a passion. It’s almost as if I had done something to her…it sounds crazy, but who else do I blame? Why has she decided to change so quickly? I didn’t have an answer until Time came to comfort me.

He wrapped his arm around my shoulder, wiped the tears from my eyes and reminded me that this too would pass. Silence and I were on a journey together- both rebelling, both guilty of falling in too deep into a mess that we had control over but chose to hand the reigns to others. Silence was just as upset as I was. Her company had been destructive because she had tapped into negative energy.

‘It can’t be,’ I whispered to Time, ‘I had soothed my heart, I was fine!’

‘Oh Child! If you were alright, why did you keep looking behind? If you truly had let go, then why spend your words, your tears, your hopes on something that was never meant to be?’

Time kissed my forehead and began to run. Initially, I couldn’t keep up. Time was too fast and I was so restless that I couldn’t focus on what to do, how to keep up.

I surrounded myself with the hot sun, the chirping birds, my chatty friends. I soaked in the laughter, I bathed in the positivity of others while my own energy made her way to the surface of my soul.

Silence and I meet again, in this very room. She has calmed down. Her face lights up. Today, she brought Peace and Tranquility. I know she still hangs around with the others. Phases don’t just come to an abrupt halt, they tend to fizzle out slowly. At least, that is what Silence says. She says that sometimes she considers bringing over her darker friends but they no longer seem to want to come because their taunting will no longer hurt. I remark that her friends aren’t exactly the nicest, to which she says, ‘Life isn’t just the sunny skies; it gets cloudy up there too. There wont always be positivity gushing forth, there will be negativity making you squirm. Your friends will change, you’ll change, I’ll change…we’ll keep changing and so will our moods, our company- and then everything will collide like a bunch of protons and electrons in a Swiss lab…’

I have no idea what Silence is going on about. All I can think of is Time’s embrace and his whisper echoes somewhere in head, ‘this too shall pass.’

How the world turns.

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I wasn’t intending to come back so soon. I needed time, space, air and change. Change happened and forced me into accepting time. Time coaxed me into opening my damaged doors to begin the repairs of my sanctuary- my body and mind.

There is freedom of speech MoFo, which you think applies to you and not to me. Seriously. I won’t bother replying to your pathetic excuse of a message. Maligning, blaming and playing the victim. But this is MY space, and I do what I want here.

The truth is, everyone heals differently; insecurities were piled high by you and you didn’t mind threatening me, abusing me, defaming me, and holding me accountable for things I did not do. It had been about 7 months since I last bothered crying;  I have made peace with myself – apologized to God, found new people to talk to. But…I did keep looking behind…i filed the bad and kept the more beautiful moments alive and sacred and all to myself. All to have it flung on my face. You have a knack for abuse. I didn’t change address or delete anything to save you or myself or because i was afraid of ‘consequences’ of a moronic little squirrel. No…the line was, ‘ if you …had any true feelings for me..’ followed by judgements of being insecure and pathetic … Oh sweetheart (i say that with sarcasm) …THE TRUTH HURTS doesn’t it? Your message hurt me for a total of two days. Just two. If I ruined your life, it was because it was the truth, regardless of who abused whose mother or whatever… YOU abused me for three years-  emotional abuse. Need a definition? Here :

  1. Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mentalabuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.

So what did you do? Let me make a LIST:

Emotional Abuse

Definition:

Emotional Abuse – Any pattern of behavior directed at one individual by another which promotes in them a destructive sense of Fear, Obligation or Guilt (FOG).

The Bruise that Doesn’t Show

Many people who are victims of abuse live in homes or environments where they have become so accustomed to the situation they consider it normal. They do not recognize it even IS abuse sometimes, because there is no physical injury; instead an ongoing emotional barrage takes place which can be just as damaging.

Examples of Emotional Abuse

Alienation – The act of cutting off or interfering with an individual’s relationships with others. [Your advice was generally to avoid people YOU didn’t like]

Baiting – A provocative act used to solicit an angry, aggressive or emotional response from another individual. [This was normal for you so you could get a laugh]

Belittling, Condescending and Patronizing – This kind of speech is a passive-aggressive approach to giving someone a verbal put-down while maintaining a facade of reasonableness or friendliness. [ This was generally called ‘Advice’]

Blaming – The practice of identifying a person or people responsible for creating a problem, rather than identifying ways of dealing with the problem. [I was always too stubborn, it was never going to work…]

Bullying – Any systematic action of hurting a person from a position of relative physical, social, economic or emotional strength.

 

Cheating – Sharing a romantic or intimate relationship with somebody when you are already committed to a monogamous relationship with someone else. [ You weren’t?? could have fooled me and the rest of the world]

Emotional Blackmail – A system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone’s behaviors. [I am reminded of your use of ‘it’s never going to work if you don’t change]

False Accusations – Patterns of unwarranted or exaggerated criticism directed towards someone else.

FOG – Fear, Obligation & Guilt – The acronym FOG, for Fear, Obligation and Guilt, was first coined by Susan Forward & Donna Frazier in Emotional Blackmail and describes feelings that a person often has when in a relationship with someone who suffers from a personality disorder. Our website, Out of the FOG, is named after this acronym.

Gaslighting – The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term “Gaslighting” is based on the 1944 MGM movie “Gaslight”. [Watch the movie…this is SO YOU].

Hoovers & Hoovering – A Hoover is a metaphor taken from the popular brand of vacuum cleaners, to describe how an abuse victim trying to assert their own rights by leaving or limiting contact in a dysfunctional relationship, gets “sucked back in” when the perpetrator temporarily exhibits improved or desirable behavior.

Imposed Isolation – When abuse results in a person becoming isolated from their support network, including friends and family. [YES!]

Intimidation – Any form of veiled, hidden, indirect or non-verbal threat.

Invalidation – The creation or promotion of an environment which encourages an individual to believe that their thoughts, beliefs, values or physical presence are inferior, flawed, problematic or worthless. [Yes because you have such a ‘ high’ opinion of women’

Name-Calling – Use of profane, derogatory or dehumanizing terminology to describe another individual or group. [Not about me, but plenty about people we knew]

Proxy Recruitment – A way of controlling or abusing another person by manipulating other people into unwittingly backing “doing the dirty work”

Push-Pull – A chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in a relationship without appropriate cause or reason. [ You were never sure but you wanted to marry me…what??]

Ranking and Comparing – Drawing unnecessary and inappropriate comparisons between individuals or groups. [ALWAYS. ALWAYS . ALWAYS.]

Shaming – The difference between blaming and shaming is that in blaming someone tells you that youdid something bad, in shaming someone tells you that you are something bad. [Apparently, i had to be fixed]

Silent Treatment – A passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse in which displeasure, disapproval and contempt is exhibited through nonverbal gestures while maintaining verbal silence.

Splitting – The practice of regarding people and situations as either completely “good” or completely “bad”.

Targeted Humor, Mocking and Sarcasm – Any sustained pattern of joking, sarcasm or mockery which is designed to reduce another individual’s reputation in their own eyes or in the eyes of others. [Your jokes weren’t funny]

Testing – Repeatedly forcing another individual to demonstrate or prove their love or commitment to a relationship. [Something you admitted to yourself]

So really…the one that needs to pray to God is you.